Lifestyle

Make these promises to yourself, and keep them.

Repeat after me: “I promise…”

1. “I will accept everything I am, and everything I am not.” – Self-worth comes from one thing: thinking that you are worthy.  So be confident.  Too many days are wasted comparing ourselves to others and wishing to be something we aren’t.  Everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses, and it is only when you accept everything you are, and aren’t, that you will truly find happiness and success.  Read The Road Less Traveled.
2. “I will appreciate others for who they are.” – Sometimes the way you think about a person isn’t the way they are.  On the outside, maybe they laugh, and maybe they cry; but you would be surprised at everything they keep deep inside.  So pay close attention, and love the people you care about for who they are, and not for who you want them to be.  In the long run, this is how you will get the best of them.
3. “I will speak kindly and consciously to others.” – Open your mind before you open your mouth.  Don’t mix bad words with a bad mood.  Just be calm and deal with your emotions.  You’ll have many opportunities to change your mood, but you’ll have an extremely tough time recovering the words you have spoken.
4. “I will speak kindly and consciously to myself.” – Wait, what did you just say to yourself?  Were they the inspiring, comforting words you would speak to a friend?  Or were they the belittling remarks you might shout to an enemy if you had no heart.  Or the negative assessments about life you would utter if you had no faith?  All day long we speak silently to ourselves, and a part of us believes every word.  So stay mindful, and ask yourself, “If I had a friend who always spoke to me in the same way that I am speaking to myself right now, how long would I allow that person to be my friend?”
5. “I will stop trying to control everything.” – I hate to break it to you, but you can’t control everything in your life no matter how many safeguards you put into place.  But thankfully, you don’t have to control everything to find peace and happiness.  It lives with you always, deep within.  More than getting into the nuances of control itself, you should be more interested in encouraging yourself to commit to giving it up, on purpose.  See what happens when you loosen your grip, throw your hands into the air, and allow life to just happen and flow as it does, without constant micromanagement.  Read The Power of Now.
6. “I will appreciate the beauty of small moments.” – Positive minds live positive lives.  There is always, always something to be thankful for and something to smile about.  The happiest people are not those who get everything they want; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, notice and appreciate the beauty and sweetness of everyday moments.
7. “I will do what I think is right.” – What comes easy won’t always last, and what will last won’t always come easy.  So do the right things, not the easy things.  Whatever comes your way, whatever battle is raging inside you, you always have a choice.  In the end, it’s the choices you make that make you who you are.  And no matter what, you can always choose to do the right thing.
8. “I will grow from my challenges.” – You can be stunned, awakened, and changed by what happens to you, but choose to grow from it, and refuse to be reduced by it.  Repeat after me: “I am determined to live a happy life no matter my challenges.  I will turn all my tales of fury into tales of glory.  I will turn all of my tales of woe into tales of WOW!”
9. “I will realize and use my power.” – The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.  In a world filled with doubt, you must dare to dream.  In a world filled with anger, you must dare to forgive.  In a world filled with hate, you must dare to love.  In a world filled with distrust, you must dare to believe.  And once you do, you will find that power you once thought you lacked.
10. “I will follow the path my heart longs to take.” – Life is too short to live with regrets.  So love the things that make you smile, let go of the things that make you cry, and believe that everything happens for a reason.  Follow the path that your heart longs to take; it’s your time to shine.  If you get a chance, take it.  If it changes your life, let it.  You are far from what you once were, but not yet who you are going to be.  Read The Last Lecture.
11. “I will have some fun while I’m doing it all.” – Some people frantically seek a predetermined definition of success as though their entire self-worth depends on whether or not they make it to the top.  Their goals and routines are wound tight around stringent routines that they repeat every single day without stopping to breathe.  And while discipline is important, think about how much better off they’d be if they unwound their vision just a little – like kite string – and ran with it like an optimistic youth, breathing and working, just for the joy of seeing if they can make it touch the clouds.

We ultimately become what we repeatedly do.

Over the years Marc and I have studied the lives of numerous successful people.  We’ve read their books, watched their interviews, interviewed them ourselves, worked with them, and researched them extensively.  We’ve truly learned a lot from their stories.  But above all, we’ve learned that most of these people were not born into success.  They simply did, and continue to do, things that help them realize their full potential.  In other words, they follow a set of prolific rituals.

In today’s video blog post we’re going to take a look at six rituals you can steal from them and immediately implement in your own life.

Video Blog Post:

6 Easy-to-Steal Rituals (video transcript):

1.  Do the work… practice, practice, practice your craft!

Sure you can be good with a little effort.  You can be really good with a little more effort.  But you can’t be great, at anything, unless you put in an incredible amount of focused effort for a set amount of time every day.  It’s as simple as that.  Scratch the surface of any successful person with incredible skills and you’ll find someone who has put thousands of hours of effort into developing those skills.  There are no shortcuts in life.  There are no overnight successes.  Almost everyone has heard about the 10,000 hours principle, which states that it takes roughly 10,000 hours to completely master a complex skill, yet despite sound evidence, so few follow it… except extremely successful people of course.

Whatever you decide to do, do it well.  Do it so well that when others see you do it, they enjoy it so much that they want to come back and see you do it again… and they also want to bring their friends along so they can show them how incredible you are at doing what you do.

2.  Build trust by standing behind every one of your promises.

If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT!  If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE!  If you say you feel something, MEAN IT!  If you can’t, won’t, and don’t, then DON’T LIE.  It’s always better to tell people the truth up front.  Don’t play games with people’s heads and hearts.  Don’t tell half-truths and expect people to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies.

Regardless of the business you’re in – selling products to consumers, or selling hours for dollars – the only question you have to ask yourself is:  “Do they trust me enough to believe what I’m promising to deliver?”  Without this trust, you have zero, zilch, nada.  If your target market knows you and they’re still not buying what you’re offering, they simply don’t trust you as much as you would hope.  Earn their trust, and the rest of the puzzle pieces will be easy to arrange.  (Read The Impact Equation.)

3.  Focus more on less.

Having too many choices interferes with decision-making.  Here in the 21st century, where information moves at the speed of light and opportunities for innovation seem endless, we have an abundant array of choices when it comes to designing our lives and careers.  But sadly, an abundance of choice often leads to indecision, confusion, and inaction.

Several business and marketing studies have shown that the more product choices a consumer is faced with, the less products they typically buy.  After all, narrowing down the best product from a pool of three choices is certainly a lot easier than narrowing down the best product from a pool of three hundred.  If the purchasing decision is tough to make, most people will just give up.

So if you’re selling a product line, keep it simple.  And if you’re trying to make a decision about something in your life, don’t waste all your time evaluating every last detail of every possible option.  Choose something you think will work and give it a shot.  If it doesn’t work out, choose something else and keep pressing forward.  Focus more on less, and do your very best.

4.  Only use quality tools.

While we’re on the topic of focusing more on less, make sure the only tools you’re using are the only ones you truly need.  There’s no point in keeping low quality tools around.  For instance, trying to cut through a thick piece of fresh lumber with an old, dull handsaw would be a pretty foolish endeavor.  You would have to work extremely hard to make the even the slightest impact.  This very same principle applies to everything in life.

Don’t let inefficiency defeat you.  If the tools in your toolbox don’t fit the requirements of the job, find someone who has the right tools and barter with them, hire them, invite them into the process of what you’re trying to achieve.  Possessing the right tools (and skills) can easily shrink a mountainous task into a miniscule molehill.  With a good idea, determination, and the right tools, almost anything is possible.

5.  Spend quality time with quality people.

You are the average of the people you spend the most time with.  And that’s why it’s not always where you are in life, but who you have by your side that matters most.  Some people drain you and others provide soul food.  So be sure to get in the company of those who feed your spirit, and give the gift of your absence to those who do not appreciate your presence.  There’s no need to rush into a relationship you are unsure of, or socialize with those who hold you back.

Spend more time with nice people who are smart, driven and open-minded about personal growth and opportunity.  Use websites like meetup.com to search for local community groups of people with similar passions and goals.  These people are out there.

The bottom line is that relationships should help you, not hurt you.  Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be.  Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, people who care about you and respect you – people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it.  Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the energy and hope out of you.  (Marc and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

6.  Study, rehearse, and get super comfortable with the art of selling.

About a year ago Marc and I interviewed ten extremely successful business owners and CEOs for a side-project we were working on.  We asked them to name the one skill they felt contributed the most to their success.  Every one of them, in their own words, said: the ability to sell themselves, their ideas, and what they had to offer.

Keep in mind “selling” in its truest sense isn’t an act of manipulating, pressuring, or being deceitful.  Selling is explaining the logic and benefits of a decision or point of view.  Selling is convincing other people to work directly with YOU.  Selling is overcoming concerns and roadblocks, and calming other people’s unwarranted fears.  Selling is one of the principal foundations of both business and personal success.  It’s about knowing how to negotiate, how to deal with a  “no” when you receive one, how to maintain confidence and self-esteem in the face of rejection, and how to communicate openly, honestly, and effectively with a wide range of people so that you can build long-term relationships that garner long-term trust.

When you truly believe in your idea, or your business, or yourself, then you don’t need to have an enormous ego or an overly extroverted personality.  You don’t need to “sell” in the traditional sense.  You just need to communicate your point of view clearly, cordially, and confidently.

The floor is yours…

So there you have it, six rituals we’ve seen repeated over and over in the lives of some of the most successful people we’ve studied and interacted with over the years.

And today we challenge you to implement one new positive ritual in your own life.  It’s all about breaking up your overarching goals into tiny, repeatable, daily actions.  So let’s take the idea of mastering a particular complex skill, for instance.  Obviously this can’t be accomplished in a day.  It’s about choosing a set time every day to practice diligently, and perhaps even tying your practice time to a recurring trigger, like:  Every time you walk into your office you will immediately spend 30 minutes doing XYZ.

So please leave a comment below and let us know about one new, positive ritual you want to implement in your life, AND one small step you’re going to take TODAY to get started.

Photo by: Charlie Wollborg

Since today is my 30th birthday I thought it fitting to share 30 things I understand now that were complete mysteries to me just a few short years ago.  These are simple lessons about life in general that I picked up while traveling, living in different cities, working for different companies (and myself), and meeting remarkable and unusual people everywhere in between.

1. There comes a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it’s not giving up.  It’s realizing you don’t need certain people and things and the drama they bring.
2. If a person wants to be a part of your life they will make an obvious effort to do so.  Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for people who do not make an effort to stay.
3. If you want to fly, you have to give up the things that weigh you down – which is not always as obvious and easy as it sounds.
4. Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.
5. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You don’t fail by falling down.  You fail by never getting back up.  Sometimes you just have to forget how you feel, remember what you deserve, and keep pushing forward.
6. When you get to know people with different ethnic backgrounds, from different cities and countries, who live at various socioeconomic levels, you begin to realize that everyone basically wants the same things.  They want validation, love, happiness, fulfillment and hopes for a better future.  The way they pursue these desires is where things branch off, but the fundamentals are the same.  You can relate to almost everyone everywhere if you look past the superficial facades that divide us.
7. The more things you own, the more your things own you.  Less truly gives you more freedom.  Read The Joy of Less.
8. While you’re busy looking for the perfect person, you’ll probably miss the imperfect person who could make you perfectly happy.  This is as true for friendships as it is for intimate relationships.  Finding a companion or a friend isn’t about trying to transform yourself into the perfect image of what you think they want.  It’s about being exactly who you are and then finding someone who appreciates that.
9. Relationships must be chosen wisely.  It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.  There’s no need to rush.  If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.
10. Making a thousand friends is not a miracle.  A miracle is making one friend who will stand by your side when thousands are against you.
11. Someone will always be better looking.  Someone will always be smarter.  Someone will always be more charismatic.  But they will never be you – with your exact ideas, knowledge and skills.
12. Making progress involves risk.  Period.  You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
13. Every morning you are faced with two choices:  You can aimlessly stumble through the day not knowing what’s going to happen and simply react to events at a moment’s notice, or you can go through the day directing your own life and making your own decisions and destiny.  Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
14. Everyone makes mistakes.  If you can’t forgive others, don’t expect others to forgive you.  To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover the prisoner was you.
15. It’s okay to fall apart for a little while.  You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well.  You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears.  The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
16. We sometimes do things that are permanently foolish just because we are temporarily upset.  A lot of heartache can be avoided if you learn to control your emotions.
17. Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right.  There are many roads to what’s right.  You cannot judge others by your own past.  They are living a different life than you.  What might be good for one person may not be good for another.  What might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the better.  You have to allow people to make their own mistakes and their own decisions.
18. Nobody is perfect, and nobody deserves to be perfect.  Nobody has it easy.  You never know what people are going through.  Every one of us has issues.  So don’t belittle yourself or anyone else.  Everybody is fighting their own unique war.
19. A smile doesn’t always mean a person is happy.  Sometimes it simply means they are strong enough to face their problems.
20. The happiest people I know keep an open mind to new ideas and ventures, use their leisure time as a means of mental development, and love good music, good books, good pictures, good company and good conversation.  And oftentimes they are also the cause of happiness in others – me in particular.
21. You can’t take things too personally.  Rarely do people do things because of you.  They do things because of them.
22. Feelings change, people change, and time keeps rolling.  You can hold on to past mistakes or you can create your own happiness.  A smile is a choice, not a miracle.  True happiness comes from within.  Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy.
23. It’s much harder to change the length of your life than it is to change the depth of it.
24. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
25. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
26. One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.
27. Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things.  Read The Book of Awesome.
28. Anyone can make a difference.  Making one person smile can change the world.  Maybe not the whole world, but their world.
29. Everything is a life lesson.  Everyone you meet, everything you encounter, etc.  They’re all part of the learning experience we call ‘life.’  Never forget to acknowledge the lesson, especially when things don’t go your way.  If you don’t get a job that you wanted or a relationship doesn’t work, it only means something better is out there waiting.  And the lesson you just learned is the first step towards it.
30. Regardless of how filthy your past has been, your future is still spotless.  Don’t start your day with the broken pieces of yesterday.  Every day is a fresh start.  Each day is a new beginning.  Every morning we wake up is the first day of the rest of our life.

Photo by: Hamish Irvine

The worst lies are the ones you tell yourself over and over again – the ones you live by.  Perhaps someone close to you ingrained these lies in your mind, perhaps you were influenced by the negativity of popular media channels, or perhaps they grew from simple, innocent misunderstandings.

Either way, next time you decide to learn something new for the sake of self-improvement, start by unlearning a lie that has been deceiving you.  Here are nine lies I have unlearned in my own life:

1.  Happiness is about getting what you want.

There are two ways people try to find happiness.  One is to continue to accumulate more and more of what they think they want.  The other is to appreciate what they already have.  The latter is the right path.  Happiness isn’t about getting what you want; it’s about wanting what you’ve got.  Happiness is not a goal, it’s a by-product of living well in each moment.

To be happy doesn’t mean you don’t desire more, it simply means you’re thankful for what you have and patient for what’s yet to come.  Sometimes it’s easy to get so caught up in trying to accomplish something big, that you fail to notice the little things that give life its magic.  So appreciate today for all it’s worth.  Today is one of the good old days you’re going to miss in the years ahead.

2.  Success looks a certain way.

You are not in this world to live up to everyone else’s expectations, nor should you feel that everyone else is here to live up to yours.  You’ve got to pave your own distinct path.  What success means to each of us is different.  It’s about spending your life happily in your own way.

You have your own personal calling that’s as unique as your fingerprints.  The best way to succeed is to discover this calling within you and then find a way to offer it to the world in the form of a beneficial service.  Ultimately, if you can wake up every morning and do something that makes a positive difference, makes you proud, and makes you smile, before you get back to bed, you are a true success.  (Angel and I discuss this process in the Success and Passion chapters of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

3.  A busy day is a productive day.

“Work smarter, not harder” is one of the most common clichés in the personal development space.  But like most clichés, few people actually do it.  Go ahead and take a look around; the busy people outnumber the productive people by a wide margin.  Perhaps you’re one of them.

Busyness seems impressive.  It puts you in the heat of the action.  It gives you an elevated sense of accomplishment.  You’re always late for social engagements, barely have enough time for family get-togethers, and hardly get a moment to yourself.  Emails and texts are shooting out of your smartphone like machinegun bullets, commitments and meetings fill up your entire calendar, and sleep is an afterthought.  You’re like a rock star without a record.

Of course, it’s all just an illusion.  A commitment to anything more than the essential is to work harder, not smarter.  So flip it around and work smarter by putting first things first.

4.  To be brave is to not be afraid.

Truth be told, the only time you can be brave is when you are afraid.

Being brave is when you do something, regardless of your fears, because you know it’s the right thing to do.  In other words, you are afraid to do it because there are unknowns, but then you go ahead and do it anyway.

Whatever course you decide upon in life, there is always the possibility that something will go wrong.  There will always be difficulties arising that tempt you to fear that you don’t have what it takes.  To map out any course of action and follow it to an end requires bravery.  (Read Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.)

5.  To be strong is to not feel pain.

Life is often painful.  It requires a worthy struggle for growth and experience.  Anyone who says differently is selling a lie.

The strongest people are the ones who feel pain, accept it, learn from it, and fight through it.  They turn their wounds into wisdom.  It’s all about having the courage to take a break, to shed a tear, to dust yourself off, and then to get back in the ring to fight like you’ve never fought before.

6.  Everyone around you is holding you back.

Many of us don’t genuinely want to be responsible for our own fate.  Perhaps we daydream about “fulfilling our dreams,” but we leave those dreams firmly in the realm of fantasy.  We don’t research them, talk to people about them, read related books, etc.  Somehow we prefer the fantasy to the reality.  And there’s nothing wrong with that, until we say that someone else is “holding us back”.  That turns an idle fantasy into a barricade of lies.

The truth is, if you’re not working on something meaningful today, the only person holding you back is YOU.  If you aren’t doing anything about your goals and dreams, you have no one to blame except yourself.  Either you take responsibility for your life or someone else will.  Blame is a scapegoat – it’s an easy way out of taking accountability for your own outcome.  It’s a lot easier to point the finger at someone or something else instead of looking within.

When it comes to working hard to achieve a goal or dream – earning a degree, building a business, or any other personal achievement that takes time and commitment – one thing you have to ask yourself is:  “Am I willing to live a few years of my life like many people won’t, so I can spend the rest of my life like many people can’t?”

7.  You are automatically entitled to certain things from others.

People are sometimes led to have a sense of entitlement because they falsely believe they are owed something based on the social role they have chosen.  For example, if someone has accepted the role of being someone’s friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, they feel entitled to get certain favors from the other person.  If someone has accepted the role of being a parent, they feel entitled to being respected by their children.  If someone has accepted the role of being a consumer, they feel entitled to be served to their specific wishes.

Of course, these expectations of entitlement often go unfulfilled.  Why?  Because nothing in this world is promised.  Regardless of your chosen role in all your relationships and walks of life, you don’t automatically get any more than you openly communicate, negotiate, and work for.  (Read The Road Less Traveled.)

8.  You will feel comfortable when the time is right.

So many of us complain about the boring repetition present in our daily routines, yet we choose no clear course for correction.  We want to change something, but we never think the time is right.  Why?  Because the very source of our boredom also provides a solid foundation of comfort.  We are comfortable with our current surroundings.  Steering off the known track is risky, and we are subconsciously scared of what might happen if we do.

So, what happens when we stick to the current track?  Nothing.  We jog along the same circular track at a steady pace daily.  We pass by the same mile marker at the exact moment we did yesterday, and the day before, and the week before that.  There is not a worry on our minds because we already know the terrain that lies ahead.

If something makes you a bit nervous and uncomfortable, it means you’re doing it right and growing.  All great opportunities in life will force you to grow emotionally and intellectually.  They force you to stretch yourself and your comfort zone, which means you won’t feel totally comfortable at first.  And when you don’t feel comfortable, you will likely assume the timing isn’t right, even though it is.

9.  It’s already too late.

Nothing is too late until your tired heart stops beating.

If you’re reading this right now, congratulations, you are alive, which means it’s not too late for you.

Things can change if you want them to, at any age.  Right now you can choose differently and make something new happen.  Your future is immediate.  Grab on to it with both hands and keep on moving on.  When you come up on a roadblock and are faced with the choice of sitting down and doing nothing or doing something to make further progress, choose the latter.  Think, work, and climb if you have to.

Move your life forward.

The floor is yours…

What self-defeating lies do people often tell themselves?  What’s one self-defeating lie you once believed was true?  Share your thoughts with us by leaving a comment below.

Photo by: Colton Witt

“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light.”
—Helen Keller

This post was inspired by three emails I received this morning, all of which share a similar theme about friendship.  Below I have shared a small excerpt from each (with permission).  I know you will appreciate them:

• “Kayla, my 12-year-old daughter, speaks fluent sign language because her best friend, Megan, who she grew up with from the time she was an infant, is deaf.  Seeing their genuine friendship evolve and grow over the years truly warms my heart.”
• “My younger brother, Greg, spends most of his free time at school hanging out with the football team – he’s actually been working out with the team and everything.  Greg has a mild case of autism.  About a year ago my mom was ready to pull him out of school and have him homeschooled due to excessive bullying from peers.  One of the popular football players, who had stood up for him in the past, heard about this, explained the situation to his teammates and friends, and stood by his side until the bullying stopped.  Now, a year later, he’s just ‘one of the guys.’”
• “Yesterday my sister and I were in a pretty bad car accident.  Luckily both of us were wearing our seat belts and didn’t have any major injuries.  My sister is and always has been Mrs. Popular – she knows everyone.  I’m the complete opposite – an introvert who hangs out with the same two girls all the time.  My sister immediately posted a comment on Facebook and Instagram about our accident.  And while all her friends were commenting, my two friends showed up independently at the scene of the accident before the ambulance arrived.”

Each of these emails made me smile because they reminded me of the power of true friendship.  There’s honestly nothing more beautiful and meaningful in this world.

The author of the third email excerpt above ended her email with this line:  “I know I don’t have a lot of friends, but I’m sure grateful I have a couple worth fighting for.”

And that’s exactly what I want to reflect on in this post – 10 types of friends worth fighting for…

1.  Friends who make time for each other.

There are countless intricacies to every great friendship, but the foundation is always incredibly simple: making time for each other.  The key is to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you.  Don’t walk away when the going gets a little tough, don’t be distracted too easily, don’t be too busy or tired, and don’t take them for granted.  Friends are part of the glue that holds life and happiness together.  It’s powerful stuff!

So put down the smart phone, close the laptop and enjoy each other’s company, face to face, the old fashioned way.

There are few joys that equal a good conversation, a genuine laugh, a long walk, a friendly dance, or a big hug shared by two people who care about each other.  Sometimes the most ordinary things can be made extraordinary simply by doing them with the right people.  You know this!  Choose to be around these people, and choose to make the most of your time together.

2.  Friends who are willing to put in the necessary effort.

Healthy, long-term friendships are amazing, but rarely easygoing 24/7.  Why?  Because they require flexibility and compromise.

Two different people will always have two slightly different perspectives about the same situation.  Resisting this truth and seeing the hard times as immediate evidence that something is catastrophically wrong, or that you’re supposed to see eye-to-eye on everything, only aggravates the difficulties.  By contrast, finding the willingness to view the challenges as learning opportunities will give you the energy and strength you need to continue to move forward and grow your friendship for decades to come.

3.  Friends who believe in each other.

Sometimes we see our worst selves…. our most vulnerable and weak selves.  We need someone else to get close enough to tell us we’re wrong.  Someone we trust.  That’s what true friends are for.

Simply believing in another person, and showing it in words and deeds on a consistent basis, can make a HUGE difference in their life.  Several studies of people who grew up in dysfunctional homes but who grew up to be happy and successful show that the one thing they had in common was someone who believed in them.  Be this ‘someone’ for those you care about.  Support their dreams.  Participate with them.  Cheer for them.  Be nothing but encouraging.  Whether they actually follow through with their present dreams, or completely change their minds, is irrelevant; your belief in them is of infinite importance, either way.  (Read The Mastery of Love.)

4.  Friends who face challenges and weaknesses together.

When we honestly ask ourselves which friends have helped us the most, we often find that it’s those special few who, instead of giving lots of advice, specific solutions, or quick cures, have chosen rather to share in our challenges and touch our wounds with a listening ear and a loving heart.

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of pain and mourning, who can tolerate not knowing or having all the answers, not curing and fixing everything in an instant, and instead simply face the reality of our momentary powerlessness with us, that is a friend worth fighting for.

5.  Friends who are gentle and compassionate through life’s changes.

Be gentle and compassionate with your friends as they evolve and change.  Mother Nature opens millions of flowers every day without forcing the buds.  Let this be a reminder not to be forceful with those you care about, but to simply give them enough light and love, and an opportunity to grow naturally.

Ultimately, how far you go in life depends on your willingness to be helpful to the young, respectful to the aged, tender with the hurt, supportive of the striving, and tolerant of those who are weaker or stronger than the majority.  Because we wear many hats throughout the course of our lives, at some point in your life you will have been all of these people, and the same is true for your friends.

6.  Friends who support each other’s growth.

No human being is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.

Healthy friendships always move in the direction of personal growth: for the relationship as a whole and for each individual in it.  A desire to impede the growth of the other for one’s personal comfort is an expression of fear.

When you connect with a true friend, this person helps you find the best in yourself.  In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth.

7.  Friends who tell the truth.

Subconsciously, many of us prefer gentle lies to hard truths.  But make no mistake, in the end it’s better to be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie.  Friendships based on lies always die young.

Lying is a cumulative process too.  So be careful.  What starts as a small, seemingly innocent lie (possibly even with the intention of not hurting anyone) quickly spirals into a mounting fairytale where the biggest factor preventing you from sharing the truth is the unwanted reputation of being known as a liar.

Don’t do this.  Don’t hide behind lies. Deal with the truth, learn the lessons, endure the consequences of reality, and move your friendship forward.

8.  Friends who are tolerant of each other’s inevitable mood swings.

Giving your friends the space to save face, and not taking things personally, when they’re occasionally upset, cranky or having a bad day is a priceless gift.

Truth be told, what others say and do is often based entirely on their own self-reflection.  When a friend who is angry and upset speaks to you, and you nevertheless remain very present and continue to treat them with kindness and respect, you place yourself in a position of great power.  You become a means for the situation to be graciously diffused and healed.

My grandmother once told me, “When somebody backs themselves into a corner, look the other way until they get themselves out; and then act as though it never happened.”  Allowing a friend to save face in this way, and not reminding them of what they already know is not their most intelligent behavior, is an act of great kindness.  This is possible when you realize that people behave in such ways because they are in a place of momentary suffering.  People react to their own thoughts and feelings and their behavior often has nothing directly to do with you.

9.  Friends who work out their issues with each other, not with others.

This may seem obvious, but these days it’s worth mentioning:  NEVER post negatively about a friend on social media.  Fourteen-year-old school kids post negatively about their friends on social media.  It’s a catty way to get attention and vent, when the emotionally healthy response is to talk your grievances over with them directly when the time is right.

Don’t fall into the trap of getting others on your side either, because healthy friendships only have one side – it’s called mutual respect.

Furthermore, friendships and their intricacies don’t always make sense, especially from the outside.  So don’t let outsiders run your friendship for you.  If you’re having an issue with a friend, work it out with THEM and no one else.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

10.  Friends who are faithful from a distance.

Sometimes life puts geographic barriers between you and a good friend.  But growing apart geographically doesn’t change the fact that for a long time you two grew side by side; your roots will always be tangled.  Knowing this, embracing it, and making the best of it… that’s a clear sign of true friendship.

In the end, this ‘true’ kind of friendship is a promise made in the heart – silent, unwritten, unbreakable by distance, and unchangeable by time.

The floor is yours…

In your experience, what helps create a happy, long-lasting friendship?  Please leave a comment below and share your thoughts with the community.

Photo by: Malina Sternberg